Dithering Idiot

Do you LOVE me?

A reflection on John 21...

After these things Jesus showed himself again to the disciples by the Sea of Tiberias; and he showed himself in this way. Gathered there together were Simon Peter, Thomas called the Twin, Nathanael of Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two others of his disciples. Simon Peter said to them, ‘I am going fishing.’ They said to him, ‘We will go with you.’ They went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.

Just after daybreak, Jesus stood on the beach; but the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to them, ‘Children, you have no fish, have you?’ They answered him, ‘No.’ He said to them, ‘Cast the net to the right side of the boat, and you will find some.’ So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in because there were so many fish. That disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, ‘It is the Lord!’ When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on some clothes, for he was naked, and jumped into the lake. But the other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish, for they were not far from the land, only about a hundred yards off.

When they had gone ashore, they saw a charcoal fire there, with fish on it, and bread. Jesus said to them, ‘Bring some of the fish that you have just caught.’ So Simon Peter went aboard and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish, a hundred and fifty-three of them; and though there were so many, the net was not torn. Jesus said to them, ‘Come and have breakfast.’ Now none of the disciples dared to ask him, ‘Who are you?’ because they knew it was the Lord. Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish.

...When they finished eating, Jesus asked Peter three times, “Do you love me?”

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Can’t you just hear Peter, “I’m goin’ fishin’.” He says it with a mix of frustration, confusion, maybe even throwing his hands up in the air. He didn’t know what to think. What else could he do? He had given up everything he knew as a fisherman for this guy Jesus, and now everything was, well, weird. Jesus had unbelievably risen from the dead and showed up twice trying to convince everyone of that. Peter still couldn’t wrap his brain around it.

And so he went to do what he knew best. I’m goin’ fishin’. I need some time out on the water to clear my head. To think.

But then that doesn’t even go well. They catch nothing. These men, whose profession was fishing before they had left to follow Jesus, catch absolutely nothing! So, what’s Peter to do now? His fallback, that thing he’s most familiar with, isn’t even working out the way he thought it should.

THEN things get even weirder. Some stranger calls from the shore and tells them to fish on the other side of the boat. Hey, why not? It can’t be worse than we’ve already done because WE HAVEN’T CAUGHT A THING. So they cast again and holy cow – the net is full. This isn’t just some random guy offering advice. It must be the Lord!

So Peter, ah impetuous, enthusiastic Peter, jumps out of the boat and swims to Jesus as fast as he can. Can’t you just see the scene? The others are struggling with this huge net FULL of fish and Peter just jumps ship (literally) to go to Jesus. As if right on cue, this impulsive, crazy Peter-esque display of enthusiasm seems to show us how Peter really feels about Jesus. But later, sitting by the fire, just hanging out, Jesus asks Peter, “Do you love me?”

He repeats this question to Peter three times, reminiscent of the opposite that had occurred to Peter just before Jesus’ crucifixion, when he denied knowing Jesus three times. This can’t be a coincidence. Both Peter and Jesus know what transpired. Jesus, surely had already forgiven Peter, but Peter surely still carried the guilt of that night with him and hadn’t forgiven himself.

And this is the brilliant beauty of following Jesus:

When all hope seems lost. When everything you thought you believed appears to be untrue. When you've messed up and made some bad choices. When you feel all alone and confused as a result of those choices - - He is there. He is sitting by a fire prepared for you with a meal ready. And he invites you to join him.

Do you love me?

Despite what you may have done in your past. Despite the mistakes you’ve made.

Do you love me?

Despite how you’ve treated others in my name. Despite your prejudices, selfishness or greed.

Do you love me? For that is what really matters. I can transform you, forgive you and use you, if you just love me – truly love me.

A Time of Waiting: A Lenten Reflection

 I thought that Lent had passed me by this year. Disappointed and frustrated with myself for letting life get in the way once again, I realized that even though my time of waiting this Lenten season was not intentional, it was still waiting nonetheless. I have been waiting for months to hear if my husband will keep his job for next year. I am waiting to live in a house of my own with my own things. I am waiting for my daughter to be healed. Before that I was waiting for grad school to be over. I am weary of waiting. For the last several weeks I’ve been lamenting what it is to wait. The stress and tension build, my resolve weakens, and my humanity urges me to just give up.

As so many others observed the Season of Waiting in meaningful ways, I too, was travelling that road without even realizing it. At times it is easy to just push the waiting aside and busy myself with other things to do, but it is always there to meet me… in the darkness of night when the house is quiet and everyone else is asleep. In the silence of morning before everyone else awakes. And it is there sometimes where I least expect it, in the middle of a busy day, reminding me that I can’t outrun it.

  

And so I struggle to wait well. Patience has never been my strong suit. I identify with the impetuous Peter far more than Jesus, and yet, in my waiting I strive to be more like the one who had to wait his whole life. For 33 years he waited to fulfill his true purpose. And for one final week he waited to die a cruel and unjust death.

 

How did Jesus wait? He waited with friends. He waited in prayer. He waited by telling stories and going to the Temple. He waited by confronting those who were doing wrong and standing up for those who needed help. He waited by living life.

 

As I wait, the urge to put everything on hold and do nothing is very strong. But as I look at Jesus in his final week, I see that he lived a full life while he waited. He made every moment count. He may have unnecessarily taken out his frustration on an innocent fig tree at one point, but to me that is proof that even our Savior had a hard time with waiting. Waiting is hard, but how we choose to find God in the midst of it can be our greatest reward.

A Prayer of Waiting 

by Elisa Cottrell

 

In my anxiety, reassure.

In my impatience, endure.

In my discomfort, soothe.

In my frailty, strengthen.

In my waiting… remain.

Amen.

 

My Surprise Song

Duane totally surprised me tonight with a beautiful Graduation/Mother's Day gift. I know this will probably embarrass him, but I just had to share it!

Download Hey There Elisa

I sure have missed that guy these last four years! Just one more week until graduation... I can't wait!

The Hour Has Come

Despite tomorrow's monumental occasion, there is still much to do. The power lies within each of us to shower our fellow humans with the grace and love of Christ no matter their status in the world. I pray that we all, no matter our political orientation, will be inspired by the events of these last few months and reflect on the following words today and in the days to come:

We are challenged to eradicate the last vestiges of racial injustice from our nation. I must say this morning that racial injustice is still the black man's burden and the white man's shame.

It is an unhappy truth that racism is a way of life for the vast majority of white Americans, spoken and unspoken, acknowledged and denied, subtle and sometimes not so subtle---the disease of racism permeates and poisons a whole body politic. And I can see nothing more urgent than for America to work passionately and unrelentingly---to get rid of the disease of racism.

Something positive must be done. Everyone must share in the guilt as individuals and as institutions. The government must certainly share the guilt; individuals must share the guilt; even the church must share the guilt.

We must face the sad fact that at eleven o'clock on Sunday morning when we stand to sing "In Christ there is no East or West," we stand in the most segregated hour of America.

The hour has come for everybody, for all institutions of the public sector and the private sector to work to get rid of racism.

Source: A Knock at Midnight: Inspiration From the Great Sermons of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Just a simple trip to the dentist

I had planned our visit to the dentist today at a very strategic time... first thing in the morning. My hope was we wouldn't have to wait long because they couldn't already be running behind. I wanted to finish up quickly and still get Jack to preschool. What I hadn't anticipated is what it would be like to have to get Jack up and get him somewhere on time that early in the morning. The first road block occurred when his "general" shirt (a blue and white striped rugby with a gold emblem on the chest) had not been washed the previous evening as apparently promised by his other mother. Duane negotiated a different striped shirt and got the pants on without too much of a fuss, but then came the infamous shoes and socks. Rarely do we get these pieces of clothing on him without a fight, and this morning was no exception. After extensive negotiations, the cowboy boots that Opa bought were deemed acceptable to all parties involved along with a clause that allowed for the inclusion of a rather tall pair of tube socks, seams adjusted just so.

As fate would have it, this was our first morning of 30-degree weather, so a not-so-simple early morning appointment became even more complicated as we rushed to get a winter coat on Jack. More tears erupted as he tried to get his coat on without crumpling up the sleeves inside. By this point it looked like we were going to be late -- a cardinal sin in my book. I rushed him to the car where he insisted on buckling himself (which I knew he couldn't do) and sure enough, got frustrated and started crying.

Once we finally arrived at the dentist, only 1 minute late somehow, we were all pretty cranky, but I figured he would become much more agreeable. He is usually more compliant for other people, but he continued his reign of grumpiness. After charming the dental tech with his fancy cowboy boots and his astounding knowledge of the animal kingdom, he firmly declined her x-rays. No matter what she tried, he wasn't gonna budge. Once the hygienist came in, he informed her that she was not to use any "spicy" polish on his teeth. She laughed and asked if strawberry would be ok. (I'm not sure she realized who she was up against.) Politely he informed her that would NOT be ok. They finally settled on not using any kind of polish whatsoever on his teeth, and began the procedure. His body tensed up and Jack's fingers spread out and curled up at the first knuckle as if to say, "You're torturing me." After Irene had finished cleaning his bottom teeth, Jack decided he'd had enough. Period. There was absolutely no convincing him otherwise. I even ended up chasing him around the office with grape fluoride foam on my gloved hand only to have him promptly spit it out on me and himself. Fortunately, everyone was very patient and kind to him even when I felt he crossed the line. At one point he looked up at Irene with his arms out, crooked at the elbows, hands cocked and said in a voice that could have come from an 80-year old New Yorker, "And besides, what's takin' so long anyways?"

The Most Beautiful Place in the World

Many of you know how crazy I am about Alaska. Poor Duane hasn't stopped hearing about it for the 18 years he's known me. My sister tipped me off to this great video the other day, and besides being a good song, it was shot in Alaska! This has become my new happy place. I hope it will make you happy, too!

How To Live on $22,200 a Year

It's Blog Action Day '08. The topic is poverty and people around the globe have committed to speaking on the issue in cyberspace. According to the government, my family lives in poverty. The poverty level this year for an American family of 4 has been set at $22,200.

We are somewhat of an anomaly. Our situation is our choice. Being in graduate school, our poverty will end in the near future. Many people do not have such luxury.

It was absolutely off limits to talk about money in the house I grew up in, but I'm going to break that cardinal rule in the hopes that eyes can be opened, greater understanding achieved, and lives changed. Poverty comes in many different shapes, colors, countries and education levels.

Here's how the numbers shake down. Keep in mind, $20,000 a year is comparable to working a $10 an hour job 40 hours a week. Many people aren't that lucky. A full time job at the minimum wage rate of $6/hr. is only $12,000 a year!

Rent  $795

Utilities  $225

Phone/Internet  $130

Insurance (Life, Auto)    $150

Gas    $225

Household (toilet paper, soap, laundry detergent, etc.)    $150

Spending (medical bills, clothes, oil changes, car repairs, eating out, etc.) $225

Food Stamps for Groceries $400

As you pay your bills this month, grocery shop and make trips to your local super retailer, think about these numbers. Could you find a place to live for less than $800 a month that would keep your family safe and provide a good public school environment for your children? Try spending only $400 next month on groceries and consider donating what you save to a local food pantry, many of which are really struggling in this economic climate. Think about how much you spend to fit into the society in which you live. How would it effect your job not to have the clothes you have, the hair style you have or the extra money to go out with co-workers at lunch?

I recently read an article about a family who stopped spending for a month. It was an entertaining article and one that provided some challenges to me about our own spending. And then I got to the shocker. This family saved $2000 in one month! They saved my family's entire salary in just one month! I was amazed at the idea that a regular family could save that much money in one month. The experiment really changed their thinking, so much so that they gave the money away at the end of the month instead of going out and blowing it. It's so easy to get swept away in the capitalistic game of consumerism that sometimes we don't even realize it is taking place. Today's Blog Action Day is a way for all of us to collectively stop and think about poverty and, in contrast, excess.

What does poverty mean to you? How would it feel to live that way? What can you do in your local community to help those who aren't as well off? Poverty seems like an overwhelmingly huge issue, but the solutions can start in very small ways with each of us.

Aftermath of Ike

Ironically, this is what I found in the kids' bathroom just as the outer edge of Ike arrived at our house after much anticipation:

That poor Beluga whale.

It will take weeks to repair the damage done to our Playmobil yacht.

You did WHAT at preschool?!?

After picking Jack up from preschool yesterday we entered the cursory end-of-day conversation...

"Jack, what did you do at school today?"

"We arted."

Fearing that his heightened level of testosterone had indeed taken over complete control of his frontal lobe and I had just missed the all important "F" at the front of that word, I cautiously asked him to tell me again.

"We ART-ED," he said with great EMPH-A-SIS.

Still not quite sure I understood, but not wanting to insult the sometimes fragile psyche that accompanies his exploration of language, I said, "Oooooohhhh."

As if he knew I didn't really know what he was saying, he explained further, "We painted. You know, arted."

And a big wave of relief rushed over me as ART became a verb.

First Grade

Cason started first grade this week. For most parents it's a big transition and adjustment as their child leaves them for an entire day. For some it's probably a welcome respite from the unrelenting nature of raising preschoolers. For our family it meant something entirely different.

Cason is attending first grade at home. Part of me is embarrassed to type this previous sentence. I've been putting off "going public" for some time, fearful of the really terrible things that well-intentioned people can say sometimes. This week is the end of hiding though, and it was amazing.

If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be doing school at home with my child, I would have written them off as a lunatic. Ten years ago I wasn't even sure I wanted children, period. Now I have them all day long. It's been incredibly hard work, none of which seems to fit my natural gifts and abilities, but I think it is those struggles that have made this week special.

I have been humbled, amazed, excited and truly astounded by our first week of school. I know it will not always be like this, but it has been a great start. Much like Cason's first steps and her first words, I was able to be with her during many important firsts this week. It has been a true privilege to witness her working out math problems, reading books, and discussing Bible stories. We've looked at maps, gotten out all of Daddy's passports and talked about other places in the world, learned about how we get water flowing into our houses, learned to count to 100.

I never would have imagined this path for myself -- never in a million years, but I'm thankful that life has taken us in this direction and taught me to savor these beautiful moments that make up our time here on earth.

Cason started first grade this week. For most parents it's a big transition and adjustment as their child leaves them for an entire day. For some it's probably a welcome respite from the unrelenting nature of raising preschoolers. For our family it meant something entirely different.

Cason is attending first grade at home. Part of me is embarrassed to type this previous sentence. I've been putting off "going public" for some time, fearful of the really terrible things that well-intentioned people can say sometimes. This week is the end of hiding though, and it was amazing.

If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be doing school at home with my child, I would have written them off as a lunatic. Ten years ago I wasn't even sure I wanted children, period. Now I have them all day long. It's been incredibly hard work, none of which seems to fit my natural gifts and abilities, but I think it is those struggles that have made this week special.

I have been humbled, amazed, excited and truly astounded by our first week of school. I know it will not always be like this, but it has been a great start. Much like Cason's first steps and her first words, I was able to be with her during many important firsts this week. It has been a true privilege to witness her working out math problems, reading books, and discussing Bible stories. We've looked at maps, gotten out all of Daddy's passports and talked about other places in the world, learned about how we get water flowing into our houses, learned to count to 100.

I never would have imagined this path for myself -- never in a million years, but I'm thankful that life has taken us in this direction and taught me to savor these beautiful moments that make up our time here on earth.