The Search To Belong

I just finished Joseph Myers' book, The Search To Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups. I always get the same feeling when I read a book that shifts my paradigm significantly. Years ago it was Generating Hope by Jimmy Long -- The first book I read that tied the "gen X" phenomenon to "postmodernism" and gave it practical legs for ministry.I have a hunch that Myers' ideas will stick with me for a while to come.

As a "failed" church planter, I have a significant interest in community. With The Village, we knew that our generation wanted "community" but we just didn't know how that would work. I drew from what I knew of myself and my friends, and merged it with a few theories I had come across, and came up with something significantly ineffective. Now I know why.

Myers suggests that there are four "spaces" in which we, as people, operate. Public space, social space, personal space, and intimate space. Public is where you belong, but don't have any relationship other than the connection. For example, as an LSU fan sitting in the Superdome in New Orleans watching the Tigers win the Sugar Bowl, I "belong" to the person next to me. I am part of that community in a public way. Social space is casual relationships, conversations at parties, acquaintances. Personal space is close and trusted friendships where you are more vulnerable. Intimate space is where you are "naked and not ashamed" with another.

As a young married adult, I had a Sunday School class that really "worked." Looking back, I see how it touched all four spaces. The church was large, so we all belonged in a public space. The class itself (despite the best of intentions for Bible study) was essentially social space, where we gathered and mingled and had interactions. Within that class, there were smaller, self-formed groupings of personal space. My wife and I had two or three other couples that we considered trusted friends. And, of course, since it was a married couple class, we had intimate space there as well.

Myers suggests that each person should have 8 public connections, 4 social connections, and 2 personal connections for every 1 intimate connection in their life. Public and social connections are not LESS important than intimate ones. In fact, they might be MORE important simply because we need so many of them in our lives.

Second, in order to feel connected, each person needs to recognize in which space they belong and use that space appropriately. For example, have you ever been uncomfortable because someone started a personal conversation with you in a public space? Or, have you gone to a church small group hoping for social space, only to be forced into personal or even intimate space?

The bottom line is that all of us want to be "connected" and find "community," but we may be looking for the wrong thing. We don't neccessarily need more intimate connections, and churches definitely don't need more small groups. We need to balance our connections in a way that works, and create harmony between our public, social, personal, and intimate space.

This boook was a fabulous collection of ideas. If you're looking for a practical, step-by-step approach to implementation, you won't get it. But there's a lot of great stuff to get you started thinking in the right direction.

Comments

[steven]

I found this book to be... um... lacking in a few major areas, but you do a good job of pulling out some of the best ideas that can be useful. Mostly, though, I found it to be a polemic against small groups and a defense for a desire to avoid intimacy. That said, I do appreciate your ability to see and explain the best features - the descriptions of different spaces of community. Unlike our previous experiences with The Village, we're now facing a very different issue - the fact that we have a group of people starting a new church that are already very connected to other community spaces. Same problem, different side of the equation. Maybe I need to rediscover this book and rethink some of the issues we're facing. Thanks, Duane.

[duane]

Maybe the polemic against small groups hit home with me because I have never liked small groups and have been ashamed to admit it! To me, small groups always felt forced, and never fostered "intimacy" in the christian-small-group sense. I was much more willing to go deeply into relationship with someone I CHOSE to relate to, which happened on my own terms, in my personal space. The best groups I've been part of, looking back, created a social space where natural relationships could blossom on their own. The other issue related to The Village that caught me was that we "traded spaces" inappropriately. Folks who came to The Gathering were expecting public space...we forced them into social space and perhaps turned some away by doing so. Anyway, I agree that it is sketchy at best, but the core ideas I found very intriguing. Thanks, Steven!

[toddt]

Interesting topic. I just finished leading an 8 week session in Sunday School about community and the "spaces" you describe mesh very well with the "relational spheres" that we discussed. I think that people would be lying if they said that they didn't need other people, however our society is geared toward pursuing independence. My current view of community is a mix of my experiences (good and bad) along with the many discussions we had Duane. There are too many of us "Christians" who talk about church and family and never really know what true community is or intend to discover it. We are so hung up on trying to get to a point that we don't need anyone that we eventually get to the point we think we don't need God either. When was the last time you felt good about borrowing something from your neighbor or friend? No, instead of borrowing the chop saw my friend has I have to go and buy my own. (I usually look at that as a benefit for starting a new project). It's not about the saw though, it's about not wanting to seem vulnerable and weak to my friend (even though that's what I really am). The more I don't need people, the more I distance myself away from community. How do we work against what society teaches and let people know it is ok to need people?

[Sean McMains]

Duane! Hey, I just came across your weblog via Barry Brake's, and have added you to my Internet reading list. I've further added The Search to Belong to my Real World reading list -- thanks for the suggestion! Issues of community are ones that fascinate and engage me as well, so I'm looking forward to reading through this (even with Steven's more tepid take on it).

Glad to have this channel for keeping up with you.

[duane]

thanks, sean! good to hear from you, and i look forward to keeping up with you, as well.

[elisa]

Todd -- I really liked what you had to say a month ago about community. (What can I say? Not much time to blog with kids around.)

I've always thought that our American inclination towards individual independence comes from our immigrant roots. You know, "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" kind of thing. This worked well for a lot of immigrant families (mine included). However, most of these families also lived in neighborhoods with people from their own country of origin, and I know (because of stories that have been told in my family) that new immigrants, while pursuing independence, relied heavily on others. We seem to have kept one of these things and lost the other. And like the chop saw you mentioned, I think it correlates with financial independence. For the last two generations, my family has grown more and more financially secure. When your car never breaks down because you can always afford to drive a new one, you don't need help. And if by some off chance your car does break down, there's roadside assitance through your insurance company or AAA. When you can always afford to buy groceries, you don't need help from other people. There's a back up plan for that, too. If you run into trouble you can get food from the government or a food pantry.

As we eliminate the need for others, I think there is a direct connection to eliminating the need for God, too. Afterall, God uses his people to do his work. If we don't need his people, then ultimately we don't need him.

[paul soupiset]

I really like Joe Meyers. This book is on my side table, ready to read, after I wade through Beyond Foundationalism. Thanks for the words herein.