Dear Government Officials:
I've heard a lot about a "mandate from the people" lately, so I thought I would clarify exactly what we are expecting. Based on my conversations with my friends, and what I have read on the internet (so it must be true), this is all we really want from you:
We want you to take care of us when we are sick.
We want you to take care of us when we are old.
We don't want you to make anyone else take care of us when we are sick or old.
We want you to fund our retirement.
We want a small government…you know, like in Zimbabwe where it's just one crazy guy.
We don't want you to touch our money. Unless, of course, our money is taken from us by irresponsible financial corporations, then we want you to get it back for us.
We want you to prevent inflation and make it easy for us to buy anything we want.
We want you to get us our job back. And a promotion. And maybe a nice new desk or a company car.
We want you to make us rich and help us stay rich.
We want you to protect our values and way of life. Except for the values and way of life of certain people…you know who we mean.
We want you to keep us safe.
We want you to prevent all terrorist attacks. But we don't want you spending any money or using any actual beings to do it.
We want you to make sure that all the jobs stay here, and don't go overseas. But we want you to lock the borders and keep out all the people who might do those jobs.
And one last thing…we don't want to pay any taxes.
Now really, is that so difficult?